I felt the need to write today, although I'm sorry to say I don't have a specific topic in mind. So, apologies if this post seems at all disjointed or aimless.
Well, I guess I can start with a general update on how things are going with the cancer. Got chemo this week, and that was not fun. Decidedly not fun. Today I'm feeling...okay..but the Day 1 of chemo pretty much kicked my ass. I lost a banana to a red bucket, and I'm probably not going to touch another banana for weeks. Yesterday was slightly better than the first, but I don't feel quite human until I get that damn chemo bag removed from my arm. If the last time I got chemo was any indication of what I'm going to go through, I suspect that tommorow I will feel better, the net day even better, and then I'll be completely creamed for about 3 days with fatigue.
You'd think it would be better knowing what's coming, but it's not. Its so much worse, it feels like an inevitibility. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...take it a day at a time, Dan, a day at a time.
Hell, that seems like a topic I can expound on. Of all the cliches...and I do appreciate cliches if they are given with an honest heart...thats gotta be the one I hear the most. I think I trained most of you with my last posts to stop with the "only worry about yourself" crap. That is not something I can do. I mentioned to you guys that I draw strength from my concern for you...not only because it makes me feel less lonely, but because you make me want to be a stronger person. When you guys tell me I'm strong, I want to be that person. I'm not saying I drive myself to impress you....I'm way past that shit. But I want to be something more than a guy just sitting on his couch, feeling sorry for myself. Thinking about you, concerning myself with your health and your lives, helps me get out of my own cancer funks.
But as far as I can tell, and I've tried and tried and tried to be otherwise, I am not "day at a time" guy. Fuck, I wish I could be. Day at a time people just seem a whole lot happier than us focus on the future types, and us worry about tommorow types. But kiddies, that's just not in my bones. With that being said, I just had an interesting conversation with a doctor at my Pharmacy Volunteer placement (remember, I am volunteering at a care home), and she told me that there was only one common characteristic that all of the oldest people in the world share (the people who live to their late 90s and 100s). And thats the ability to accept loss and not worry so much about the future. Well, fuck.
So you day at a time people keep on me. Because I want to live a long, happy life.
Anyways, I'm out. This is a short one. I'm feeling tired, and the fiancee has Jersey Shore on the Tv. For some reason, I can't write coherently with guidos fighting on the screen.
Love ya all,
Dan.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
When the Will Power is lost.
I'm sitting here at 12:30 in the morning, and despite access to some pretty good drugs, I still can't sleep. Well, let's call tonight one of my weaning days....in order to not affect the efficacy of the medications I take, I abstain every now and then from one or two of them. Tonight I didn't think it would be a problem because I was so tired, but I've been laying awake for the last hour. Plus, I really felt like posting and when I get the bug, it's like an itch I can't scratch.
Today I wanted to talk about willpower. I've talked about it before, but I'm not sure I really understood what it was until lately. Despite all of our scientific advances and knowledge about the brain, I think even the best of us scientists often get caught up in separating ourselves into our bodies and our spirits (or souls, or whatever). We all do it.....and I think a big part of the reason we do is because we hate the thought that so much of us is biologically determined. We love the concept of free choice....even though it doesn't seem a logical result in a lot of the results we get from science (quantum mumbo jumbo nonwithstanding) or even logical when you throw a god in the equation (oh predestination...how can you have a choice when the big guy in the sky knows your fate?).
The reason I'm bringing up "the spirit" is that that's the place we usually put our willpower. You can't faulted when your muscles give out. You can't help it if your so winded you have to stop running. These things belong in the physical realm. We may be angry that we are so weak, and accept responsability that excercise would have helped, but we don't often give our psyches a beating when we reach our physical limits.
But those spiritual limitations....we find those a great deal more disconcerting, don't we kiddies?
You can't help it anymore...you need to eat that last piece of cake. "I'm such a fucking pig".
You can't muster up the will to study a couple of more hours you know you need to. "I'm so freaking lazy".
You know you need to finish that report for work but you watch TV instead. "I'm never going to get promoted because Im such a bad employeee."
I'm very much like this....I've always been proud that I had that extra little willpower that I needed to get things done. Sure, it's failed on occassion, but there was always a rationalization for it. For the most part, when something is hard and I don't want to do it, I just WILL myself to sit my ass down and just get it done.
After my little work and accident crisis, I found my will power really challenged. I knew I should be spending more time looking for work and asking for interviews, but a lot of times I just couldn't do it. On other other hand, sometimes I did. It was tough, but in the end, the will won out and I did apply for some jobs. I also applied for school.
But this week...well, I finally accepted something with my entire being that I previously only sort of believed. I finally accepted that willpower is absolutely physiological.
During my chemo, I've had a lot of pretty shitty side effects. Nausea sucks...even when it's controlled well, you can still feel it there, under the surface, ready to come out if you miss a med. I've had only slight neuropathy, though it is a bummer. The fatigue was especially bad this week, where walking three blocks feels like a marathon. But the worst thing the chemo did to me...the worst thing it took away from me, was my will power. Sapped it from me like a fucking milkshake. Even when I had the energy to do things, sometimes it was my will that gave out first.
Let me put it in perspective. I've written papers while sporting insanely high fevers. I've gone for long walks with the flu. Colds barely keep me in bed. But last night, my will power....the things that keeps me going, was absent. I. COULD. NOT. DO. ANYTHING. And for a little while, I hated myself for it. I had emails to check. I have a lab report to finish. Hell, all I needed was to text someone. I couldn't. And it messed me up. Because I thought I was different. I thought that I am a person with a strong will. I thought that I should be the exception, even in chemo, even with cancer.
I want you to ask yourself this too. Do you think you would be the exception? I think that if you ask yourself honestly, you do believe that you would be able to handle being sick with your will intact. You may see someone with cancer, or amputation, or parapalgia struggling; and though you feel empathy for their struggle, you think you could push through it better. If you don't, you're a better person than I....because I thought the will was inviolate. Transcendant.
Fuck that. It's just another part of your brain. And sometimes, it does give up on you.
But it comes back. I'm not here to depress you, kiddies. I tell ya...it comes back. Today I sent the email I had to send. I started studying for an exam that's a week away. And I'm almost ready to start my lab report.
I guess I wanted to share this subject with you for two reasons:
1)I want you to stop kicking yourself so hard when you have a lapse in will. It is physiological....it's a finite resource. Hell, eat some sugar, and try again. Your brain may just need glucose.
2) I wanted to vent my frustration on people who don't get it when I was having my bad day. I know they mean well, but sometimes telling a guy who is fatigued and has no will power that "you just need to muster up some will and maybe get outside or do something to make you feel better" is frustrating.
With all that said, I am finally starting to feel a bit better. The first 3 days of chemo were pretty crappy and made me sick, but the bad shit.....the fatigue and weird feelings...happened days later. Now, I'm in the getting better phase, right before I get my next drop of poison.
I want to thank everyone whose been going through this with me. You guys have no idea what it means to me to have your support and your messages. I'm especially touched when people send me stories or tell me about their friends who read my blog and get something out of it. Sometimes I forgot that there are more than just 5 or 6 of my friends reading it.
And please....if you know somebody who is suffering through cancer or who could benefit from reading my shitty blog, please feel free to reshare it.
Love ya.
Daniel
Today I wanted to talk about willpower. I've talked about it before, but I'm not sure I really understood what it was until lately. Despite all of our scientific advances and knowledge about the brain, I think even the best of us scientists often get caught up in separating ourselves into our bodies and our spirits (or souls, or whatever). We all do it.....and I think a big part of the reason we do is because we hate the thought that so much of us is biologically determined. We love the concept of free choice....even though it doesn't seem a logical result in a lot of the results we get from science (quantum mumbo jumbo nonwithstanding) or even logical when you throw a god in the equation (oh predestination...how can you have a choice when the big guy in the sky knows your fate?).
The reason I'm bringing up "the spirit" is that that's the place we usually put our willpower. You can't faulted when your muscles give out. You can't help it if your so winded you have to stop running. These things belong in the physical realm. We may be angry that we are so weak, and accept responsability that excercise would have helped, but we don't often give our psyches a beating when we reach our physical limits.
But those spiritual limitations....we find those a great deal more disconcerting, don't we kiddies?
You can't help it anymore...you need to eat that last piece of cake. "I'm such a fucking pig".
You can't muster up the will to study a couple of more hours you know you need to. "I'm so freaking lazy".
You know you need to finish that report for work but you watch TV instead. "I'm never going to get promoted because Im such a bad employeee."
I'm very much like this....I've always been proud that I had that extra little willpower that I needed to get things done. Sure, it's failed on occassion, but there was always a rationalization for it. For the most part, when something is hard and I don't want to do it, I just WILL myself to sit my ass down and just get it done.
After my little work and accident crisis, I found my will power really challenged. I knew I should be spending more time looking for work and asking for interviews, but a lot of times I just couldn't do it. On other other hand, sometimes I did. It was tough, but in the end, the will won out and I did apply for some jobs. I also applied for school.
But this week...well, I finally accepted something with my entire being that I previously only sort of believed. I finally accepted that willpower is absolutely physiological.
During my chemo, I've had a lot of pretty shitty side effects. Nausea sucks...even when it's controlled well, you can still feel it there, under the surface, ready to come out if you miss a med. I've had only slight neuropathy, though it is a bummer. The fatigue was especially bad this week, where walking three blocks feels like a marathon. But the worst thing the chemo did to me...the worst thing it took away from me, was my will power. Sapped it from me like a fucking milkshake. Even when I had the energy to do things, sometimes it was my will that gave out first.
Let me put it in perspective. I've written papers while sporting insanely high fevers. I've gone for long walks with the flu. Colds barely keep me in bed. But last night, my will power....the things that keeps me going, was absent. I. COULD. NOT. DO. ANYTHING. And for a little while, I hated myself for it. I had emails to check. I have a lab report to finish. Hell, all I needed was to text someone. I couldn't. And it messed me up. Because I thought I was different. I thought that I am a person with a strong will. I thought that I should be the exception, even in chemo, even with cancer.
I want you to ask yourself this too. Do you think you would be the exception? I think that if you ask yourself honestly, you do believe that you would be able to handle being sick with your will intact. You may see someone with cancer, or amputation, or parapalgia struggling; and though you feel empathy for their struggle, you think you could push through it better. If you don't, you're a better person than I....because I thought the will was inviolate. Transcendant.
Fuck that. It's just another part of your brain. And sometimes, it does give up on you.
But it comes back. I'm not here to depress you, kiddies. I tell ya...it comes back. Today I sent the email I had to send. I started studying for an exam that's a week away. And I'm almost ready to start my lab report.
I guess I wanted to share this subject with you for two reasons:
1)I want you to stop kicking yourself so hard when you have a lapse in will. It is physiological....it's a finite resource. Hell, eat some sugar, and try again. Your brain may just need glucose.
2) I wanted to vent my frustration on people who don't get it when I was having my bad day. I know they mean well, but sometimes telling a guy who is fatigued and has no will power that "you just need to muster up some will and maybe get outside or do something to make you feel better" is frustrating.
With all that said, I am finally starting to feel a bit better. The first 3 days of chemo were pretty crappy and made me sick, but the bad shit.....the fatigue and weird feelings...happened days later. Now, I'm in the getting better phase, right before I get my next drop of poison.
I want to thank everyone whose been going through this with me. You guys have no idea what it means to me to have your support and your messages. I'm especially touched when people send me stories or tell me about their friends who read my blog and get something out of it. Sometimes I forgot that there are more than just 5 or 6 of my friends reading it.
And please....if you know somebody who is suffering through cancer or who could benefit from reading my shitty blog, please feel free to reshare it.
Love ya.
Daniel
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Chemo is death. Chemo is life.
I'm sorry I haven't given another good update in a while. A lot has happened, and I've been feeling sick, and still trying to manage all of the homework I have to do. So far, so good. However, in trying to get stuff done, I've been pretty bad at keeping everyone here updated.
Well, here is the long and short of it. I god a port surgically put into my arm, as shown in the pretty picture, last thursday. Then this Tuesday, I had my first show of chemo....a mix called FOLFOX that contains 5FLU, Leuvocorin, and Oxalipatin. I go in, sit for 3 or 4 hours while they fill me full of poison, then they attach a pump that gives me a flow of 5FLU for the next 48 hours.
This will be happening for every 2 weeks for the next 2 months. After that, I get radiation and chemo for a another 5 weeks....this is when it gets really hardcore. Because of the already sterilizing potion that is chemo, my baby makers already don't stand a chance. Now add high doses of radiation that low (rectal tumour, remember?) and my swimmers are going to all be dead or have 8 heads. I'm sure Bevin won't even want to give those little guys a chance lol.
After the radiation, I get a week or two of recovery, I think, and thats when I get the surgery. They cut the tumour out and a nice piece of the colon too. Yep, colostomy time. I am not looking forward to it. The last thing I need is two assholes. Oh well, whatever I gotta do to survive, I will do. Then after that, another 2 months of chemo.
Then after I've healed and hopefully recovered from cancer and the rest of the shit I will get, they might be able to reconnect the colon, although my doctor made it clear with it being so lows, there is not a very good chance of that happening.
So now that you know about all the specfic details, what about me? How am I doing?
Well...I'm okay. I feel sick as a dog, but better than I thought I would. The medication I'm taking helps a lot, so I dont feel too much nausea (though I still have some). I've been hiccuping like crazy, and I get weird flushing feelings.....but apart from a general sort of mailaise and fatigue, I'm not so bad. I won''t get too cocky, but I'm hoping to go to school tomoorow...if I can do that, then chemo will have lost it's round of keeping me down. Fingers crossed.
People, I'm going to take a little time right now and be comlpletely honest with. I'm taking some drugs right now that's making me sort of emotional (that's my excuse, so fuck off if you don't believe it). But I want to tell you that I honest to goodness cry when I get your messages, your letters of support, and when you tell me your remembering me. If you all even knew how much I love you then you'd cry too (or be awkward around me...whichever works for you.).
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For thinking about me. For praying for me. For sending me good vibes. For giving me hope. For helping change me into a person I can respect. If something has to come from this, let it be a closesness with all of you who have my back.
You guys inspire me with your strength.
Love,
Dan
Well, here is the long and short of it. I god a port surgically put into my arm, as shown in the pretty picture, last thursday. Then this Tuesday, I had my first show of chemo....a mix called FOLFOX that contains 5FLU, Leuvocorin, and Oxalipatin. I go in, sit for 3 or 4 hours while they fill me full of poison, then they attach a pump that gives me a flow of 5FLU for the next 48 hours.
This will be happening for every 2 weeks for the next 2 months. After that, I get radiation and chemo for a another 5 weeks....this is when it gets really hardcore. Because of the already sterilizing potion that is chemo, my baby makers already don't stand a chance. Now add high doses of radiation that low (rectal tumour, remember?) and my swimmers are going to all be dead or have 8 heads. I'm sure Bevin won't even want to give those little guys a chance lol.
After the radiation, I get a week or two of recovery, I think, and thats when I get the surgery. They cut the tumour out and a nice piece of the colon too. Yep, colostomy time. I am not looking forward to it. The last thing I need is two assholes. Oh well, whatever I gotta do to survive, I will do. Then after that, another 2 months of chemo.
Then after I've healed and hopefully recovered from cancer and the rest of the shit I will get, they might be able to reconnect the colon, although my doctor made it clear with it being so lows, there is not a very good chance of that happening.
So now that you know about all the specfic details, what about me? How am I doing?
Well...I'm okay. I feel sick as a dog, but better than I thought I would. The medication I'm taking helps a lot, so I dont feel too much nausea (though I still have some). I've been hiccuping like crazy, and I get weird flushing feelings.....but apart from a general sort of mailaise and fatigue, I'm not so bad. I won''t get too cocky, but I'm hoping to go to school tomoorow...if I can do that, then chemo will have lost it's round of keeping me down. Fingers crossed.
People, I'm going to take a little time right now and be comlpletely honest with. I'm taking some drugs right now that's making me sort of emotional (that's my excuse, so fuck off if you don't believe it). But I want to tell you that I honest to goodness cry when I get your messages, your letters of support, and when you tell me your remembering me. If you all even knew how much I love you then you'd cry too (or be awkward around me...whichever works for you.).
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For thinking about me. For praying for me. For sending me good vibes. For giving me hope. For helping change me into a person I can respect. If something has to come from this, let it be a closesness with all of you who have my back.
You guys inspire me with your strength.
Love,
Dan
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Update on this cancer thing.
Wow, I got a good piece of news today. I got the result back from my MRI and I do not have any tumours or nodes on either my liver or my lungs. So it looks like I'm dealing with Stage 3 cancer, and not Stage 4.....which is great news, because Stage 4 is basicallly game over. But now I've got a fighting chance. I'm young, I'm not in horrible health apart from the cancer.....the odds are in my favour.
So apart from being horribly fatigued, in constant discomfort from the tumour, and bloated worse than week old road kill, I'm not doing all together that bad.
I am, however, in considerable anxiety. Tomorrow I talk to my chemo and rad doctors, and I find out what my next 8 months or more will look like. Kiddies, I'm scared shitless of this chemo thing. Sleep is hard for me to do, even with drugs....thoughts, worries, fears....they plague me. A friend of mine suggested I take yoga for excercise and to calm me...I'll be looking into it. It sounds like something that might help me.
I've been trying to be regular with my school, but I haven't been as good as I should be. I made it to some classes this week, and I even made it through an 8 hour day complete with a lab class. It hasn't been easy for me, but I'm glad that I'm giving it my best. The lab was a bit of a gong show, and the results my partner and I got weren't so great. I feel especially bad sometimes because it should all be so easy for me. The lab is mickey mouse, but I get so tired and frustrated that I can't think straight and I make mistakes. The worst was a lab quiz I had to write...I'll be lucky if I pass it.
But you know, maybe this isn't such a bad thing. Maybe it's about time I learn that I don't have to be the best, and that bad marks or failure is not the end of the world. It's a lesson that I've never had to learn because school has always been easy for me (well, maybe not always easy, but always manageable). Maybe it's about time I learn that it's more important trying, then it is achieving. Maybe I need the humility that the cancer is delivering in spades.
Stupid cancer. I'll learn your lessons, but don't expect me to like it. And after this big fat lesson, you better cut me some fucking slack, because I think I've had enough lessons for a life time. The next lesson I want to learn is "What should I do with all this money". I definitely haven't learned that lesson yet.
Love you all,
Daniel.
So apart from being horribly fatigued, in constant discomfort from the tumour, and bloated worse than week old road kill, I'm not doing all together that bad.
I am, however, in considerable anxiety. Tomorrow I talk to my chemo and rad doctors, and I find out what my next 8 months or more will look like. Kiddies, I'm scared shitless of this chemo thing. Sleep is hard for me to do, even with drugs....thoughts, worries, fears....they plague me. A friend of mine suggested I take yoga for excercise and to calm me...I'll be looking into it. It sounds like something that might help me.
I've been trying to be regular with my school, but I haven't been as good as I should be. I made it to some classes this week, and I even made it through an 8 hour day complete with a lab class. It hasn't been easy for me, but I'm glad that I'm giving it my best. The lab was a bit of a gong show, and the results my partner and I got weren't so great. I feel especially bad sometimes because it should all be so easy for me. The lab is mickey mouse, but I get so tired and frustrated that I can't think straight and I make mistakes. The worst was a lab quiz I had to write...I'll be lucky if I pass it.
But you know, maybe this isn't such a bad thing. Maybe it's about time I learn that I don't have to be the best, and that bad marks or failure is not the end of the world. It's a lesson that I've never had to learn because school has always been easy for me (well, maybe not always easy, but always manageable). Maybe it's about time I learn that it's more important trying, then it is achieving. Maybe I need the humility that the cancer is delivering in spades.
Stupid cancer. I'll learn your lessons, but don't expect me to like it. And after this big fat lesson, you better cut me some fucking slack, because I think I've had enough lessons for a life time. The next lesson I want to learn is "What should I do with all this money". I definitely haven't learned that lesson yet.
Love you all,
Daniel.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Life Bookmark
So here I am, late on a Thursday night, on enough sedatives to put a horse to sleep, and I can't catch a wink. Bevin and I went to bed at the exact same time, and about 5 minutes later, she's asleep. Thank you very much Tylenol 3, Gravol and Zopiclone. They call this over sedation? Bollocks to that, I say.
Okay, I may not be asleep, but I probably have enough drugs in me that this post probably won't make too much sense. That's okay...I've said it before, kiddies...I write for me, not for you. Especially when I feel like I'm at low points in my life....and I'm pretty damn low right now. I was handling shit pretty good considering how sick I am. But last weekend, I spent two and a half days in the emergency room, and it left my system reeling. I went to the ER because of severe constipation and abdominal pain, probably from taking T3 (although only about one a day) and not enough stool softner. Well, to make a long story short I spent the weekend on a clear liquid diet, and enough laxatives to make a pornstar blush. Try it someday, and see how great your mood is a couple of days later. Also, if you know a supermodel, hug them. Seriously. Give them a hug. Their work isn't easy.
So today I didn't make it to school, and I've been more or less locked up in the house feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to try my hardest not to make it a habit, but I'm giving myself permission to feel weak today. Fuck, okay..that's not true...I feel so bad, that I'm not even able to make myself be alright with feeling bad. It's funny how you can have stage 3 cancer, no energy from a diet of laxatives and water, and living on no sleep....and can still feel guilty for being sad and unable to function.
But enough of that....I actually wanted to tell all of you about a little thing that I used to do (and still do). I think about it every now and then, but today it's been playing over and over in my head. I actually came up with a spiffy little name for it too.
Life Bookmark.
Awesome. So what is a life bookmark? Well, one day, when I was walking home from my friend Jason's house, I walked past a little park that I usually did when I walked the route (for my Regina friends....it's that shitty little park on the 900 block of MacIntosh Street). I remember this particular day in perfect deal. I remember that it was a warm day, with a pretty cool breeze. I was walking past a shopping cart that was just sitting there, with one of the front wheels bent. I remember looking at it and thinking....man, who knows where that cart has been, and how long it's been used, and now its just laying there because some kids probably decided to ride around with it in the park. Then that prompted me to think about where I'm going to end up in 10 or 20 years. What I did at that point was made a promise that I would never forget that moment....whatever happened, this moment would live on in my memories. Even the ugly broken cart. I took a snapshot in my head, and it's never left since. Life bookmark. Fuck that's awesome.
Okay, it really isn't all that sophisticated. Kind of dumb, really. But so many of the memories we carry and that we remember vividly are not not conscious. They are a product of focus and attention, and since we largely live in a state of disattention, we don't have vivid memories of...well, "nothing moments". Like looking at a broken cart almost 20 years ago. So I thought it would be cool if I occasionally made a mental snapshot, just to remember where I came from, and what I thought the future could hold. I've done it at least 10 or more times since then.
But you know what...I don't remember any of them. Not a one, except for maybe vaguely one that I made about two years ago. But that first picture....that's stuck in my head.
Anyhow, I encourage you to try it out. Life Bookmark (tm). I hope it works for you. Maybe find a broken cart first though....it seems to be the magic glue that holds things together.
Now that I introduced the idea, I want to maybe expand on it in a future post. Maybe as a spring board for some inspirational tale or wise anecdote. For now, I'm feeling too tired. These drugs may be kicking in. I hope so.
Love ya,
Daniel.
P.s. Forgot to add...my chemo starts on the 22nd. Can't wait. Blech.
Okay, I may not be asleep, but I probably have enough drugs in me that this post probably won't make too much sense. That's okay...I've said it before, kiddies...I write for me, not for you. Especially when I feel like I'm at low points in my life....and I'm pretty damn low right now. I was handling shit pretty good considering how sick I am. But last weekend, I spent two and a half days in the emergency room, and it left my system reeling. I went to the ER because of severe constipation and abdominal pain, probably from taking T3 (although only about one a day) and not enough stool softner. Well, to make a long story short I spent the weekend on a clear liquid diet, and enough laxatives to make a pornstar blush. Try it someday, and see how great your mood is a couple of days later. Also, if you know a supermodel, hug them. Seriously. Give them a hug. Their work isn't easy.
So today I didn't make it to school, and I've been more or less locked up in the house feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to try my hardest not to make it a habit, but I'm giving myself permission to feel weak today. Fuck, okay..that's not true...I feel so bad, that I'm not even able to make myself be alright with feeling bad. It's funny how you can have stage 3 cancer, no energy from a diet of laxatives and water, and living on no sleep....and can still feel guilty for being sad and unable to function.
But enough of that....I actually wanted to tell all of you about a little thing that I used to do (and still do). I think about it every now and then, but today it's been playing over and over in my head. I actually came up with a spiffy little name for it too.
Life Bookmark.
Awesome. So what is a life bookmark? Well, one day, when I was walking home from my friend Jason's house, I walked past a little park that I usually did when I walked the route (for my Regina friends....it's that shitty little park on the 900 block of MacIntosh Street). I remember this particular day in perfect deal. I remember that it was a warm day, with a pretty cool breeze. I was walking past a shopping cart that was just sitting there, with one of the front wheels bent. I remember looking at it and thinking....man, who knows where that cart has been, and how long it's been used, and now its just laying there because some kids probably decided to ride around with it in the park. Then that prompted me to think about where I'm going to end up in 10 or 20 years. What I did at that point was made a promise that I would never forget that moment....whatever happened, this moment would live on in my memories. Even the ugly broken cart. I took a snapshot in my head, and it's never left since. Life bookmark. Fuck that's awesome.
Okay, it really isn't all that sophisticated. Kind of dumb, really. But so many of the memories we carry and that we remember vividly are not not conscious. They are a product of focus and attention, and since we largely live in a state of disattention, we don't have vivid memories of...well, "nothing moments". Like looking at a broken cart almost 20 years ago. So I thought it would be cool if I occasionally made a mental snapshot, just to remember where I came from, and what I thought the future could hold. I've done it at least 10 or more times since then.
But you know what...I don't remember any of them. Not a one, except for maybe vaguely one that I made about two years ago. But that first picture....that's stuck in my head.
Anyhow, I encourage you to try it out. Life Bookmark (tm). I hope it works for you. Maybe find a broken cart first though....it seems to be the magic glue that holds things together.
Now that I introduced the idea, I want to maybe expand on it in a future post. Maybe as a spring board for some inspirational tale or wise anecdote. For now, I'm feeling too tired. These drugs may be kicking in. I hope so.
Love ya,
Daniel.
P.s. Forgot to add...my chemo starts on the 22nd. Can't wait. Blech.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
The Most Important Lesson
Well, the news isn't good. Those of you who are on my facebook know that the ultrasound results sucked, and sucked bad.
My cancer is stage 3. I won't know for sure if it's stage 4 or not until I have my MRI this Friday. Even if the results are good, it doesn't actually change things very much. I talked to the surgeon during and after my ultrasound and he told me that the MRI may give them a better idea that the "node" in my liver is fat or cancer, but it is not definite. Whether I'm stage 3 or 4, my treatment will be the same, and they will probably give chemo and see whether it shrinks or not. If it does, they will do surgery on the liver as well as the rectal cancer. If it doesn't shrink, then they will probably do some exploration and biopsy during my rectal surgery.
The treatment doesn't change unless I decide to go for palliative care. And kiddies, homey don't play that.
The plain truth is that I've got entirely too much to live for. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a future in front me. I've struggled too long and too hard with both my inner demons and the not so inner demons (hi, ex-boss) in my life to give up now. Even with all the shit news I've gotten lately, and all the crying, and all the feeling sorry for myself, I've yet to return to the dark place I was only a year ago. My life is threatened, and I feel weaker than I ever have before....but I'm still better off.
Because I have hope. And until you realize, in this destructive, scary way, that life could be taken away from you, you can't imagine how important living is. I used to think I was real, and that I had a pretty good idea what life was about. I was fucking delusional. I realize now how life is just slipping by in a way I never did before. Although I wish with every fibre of my being that I live a long life, in the end it doesn't really matter. All of us are dying. I was dying before I had cancer, and I'll be dying long after I beat it.
I've learned an important lesson. Maybe I've learned it late, but it's a lesson you can NEVER learn too late. Even if I die tomorrow, it wouldn't be too late. The most important lesson is that even if you accomplish every goal you ever dreamed of, go every place you've ever wanted, and make massive amounts of money, there will still be a DVD copy of Gigli with Ben Affleck somewhere in the world.
Wait.
Sorry, that's not the lesson I wanted to teach here.
Crap.
Uh....my actual lesson was going to be something about treating life with a sense of humour. I forget the specifics.
Anyhow, love you guys.
Dan
My cancer is stage 3. I won't know for sure if it's stage 4 or not until I have my MRI this Friday. Even if the results are good, it doesn't actually change things very much. I talked to the surgeon during and after my ultrasound and he told me that the MRI may give them a better idea that the "node" in my liver is fat or cancer, but it is not definite. Whether I'm stage 3 or 4, my treatment will be the same, and they will probably give chemo and see whether it shrinks or not. If it does, they will do surgery on the liver as well as the rectal cancer. If it doesn't shrink, then they will probably do some exploration and biopsy during my rectal surgery.
The treatment doesn't change unless I decide to go for palliative care. And kiddies, homey don't play that.
The plain truth is that I've got entirely too much to live for. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I have a future in front me. I've struggled too long and too hard with both my inner demons and the not so inner demons (hi, ex-boss) in my life to give up now. Even with all the shit news I've gotten lately, and all the crying, and all the feeling sorry for myself, I've yet to return to the dark place I was only a year ago. My life is threatened, and I feel weaker than I ever have before....but I'm still better off.
Because I have hope. And until you realize, in this destructive, scary way, that life could be taken away from you, you can't imagine how important living is. I used to think I was real, and that I had a pretty good idea what life was about. I was fucking delusional. I realize now how life is just slipping by in a way I never did before. Although I wish with every fibre of my being that I live a long life, in the end it doesn't really matter. All of us are dying. I was dying before I had cancer, and I'll be dying long after I beat it.
I've learned an important lesson. Maybe I've learned it late, but it's a lesson you can NEVER learn too late. Even if I die tomorrow, it wouldn't be too late. The most important lesson is that even if you accomplish every goal you ever dreamed of, go every place you've ever wanted, and make massive amounts of money, there will still be a DVD copy of Gigli with Ben Affleck somewhere in the world.
Wait.
Sorry, that's not the lesson I wanted to teach here.
Crap.
Uh....my actual lesson was going to be something about treating life with a sense of humour. I forget the specifics.
Anyhow, love you guys.
Dan
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Strength and Support: A Little Give and Take.
I have a lot to say today, and yet a lot of what I have to say I don't want to. Not because it's hard for me to tell you, but because it hurts me that you have to hear it.
I had an appointment with my doctor to go over the results of my CT scan. And the news wasn't good. It wasn't the most horrible news, but it could have been better. The scan found the tumour in my rectum and what looks like swelling in the lymph nodes. I'm not saying the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes....the doctor said that until we get an ultrasound on it, we just won't know. The CT scan also looked at the rest of my GI, my lungs, and my liver. The GI and lungs were clean, but a node was found on my liver. No need to panic yet though, because the doctor just couldn't tell if it was cancer or fatty tissue. See, I've had fatty liver for at least five years, and he couldn't be sure that it was cancer. I have to get an MRI either next week or the week after to make sure it's not cancer.
So we still aren't sure what we are looking at. It's definitely at least stage 2, but anything more than that we do not know.
So now that the technical information has been delivered....how am I feeling? Well, it's hard to say. Not well...not horrible. I have a headache from the stress of the day, but apart from that I seem to be okay. I was an emotional wreck this afternoon, but have calmed down a fair bit since then. But I'm trying to be "strong".
Which brings me to another matter that I wanted to express my feelings on in this post. I've already told a lot of people about my condition, and there are two things that I keep hearing over and over. The first is be strong, and the second is that I have all the support I need. The second is so appreciated....I'm having a hard time, and I need your support, and I appreciate your support, and I love you because of your support. The first....well, I'm having a bit of trouble with that one.
I'm guessing that a lot of you realize by now that I'm not the most optimistic person in the world. I know, shocking. At the same time, I'm also not a person who gives up easily. A big part of the problems I've had in the past were due to my tenacious nature. Hell, it's why I didn't quit that stupid job even though most normal, non-masochists probably would have. It's why I foolishly kept going on my career track, even though it was completely wrong for me. And it's why I won't give up on life until the universe pulls it out of me.
But here is the thing, kiddies. I'm not about putting on a stiff upper lip and bravely writing inspirational pap. I'm not Mr. Positive-Everything-Is-Going-To-Be-All-Right. If I have any strength in this world, I take it from being Real.....from expressing who I am and what I feel. I've said it to you in a previous post, and I'm going to do it again now. I will no longer lie about who I am, what I feel, and what is happening to me. I think, unconsciously, a lot of people want supernatural strength and positivity from cancer victims (and survivors) because it makes it easier for them. But that sort of positivity does not do the afflicted person any good if they are positive when others are around, and then they go home and drop the act when no is around.
I won't do that. I can't do that. To be strong, I need to show you what I'm feeling, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Don't ask me to be positive when I am not feeling positive. Don't ask me to be strong when I am feeling weak. Because that takes too much energy for me...energy I will be using to fucking fight.
And here's the thing....I don't need you to be happy and positive for me either, unless it's what YOU ARE FEELING. Because when you put on a happy face that isn't real, I can feel it. And when you refuse to tell me how shitty you feel, you make me feel alone. There is this idea out there that I should only be concentrating on my own fight, and that I shouldn't have to worry about other people's problems. But doing that makes me feel worse, if only because it makes me feel that I'm the only one with problems. Focusing only on my feelings, and my health, diminishes me....because part of being Dan, the most important part of being Dan, is caring about YOU.
So talk to me. Share with me. Give me support, but let me give you support. And maybe, together, we can get through this bullshit in one piece.
I love you.
Dan.
I had an appointment with my doctor to go over the results of my CT scan. And the news wasn't good. It wasn't the most horrible news, but it could have been better. The scan found the tumour in my rectum and what looks like swelling in the lymph nodes. I'm not saying the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes....the doctor said that until we get an ultrasound on it, we just won't know. The CT scan also looked at the rest of my GI, my lungs, and my liver. The GI and lungs were clean, but a node was found on my liver. No need to panic yet though, because the doctor just couldn't tell if it was cancer or fatty tissue. See, I've had fatty liver for at least five years, and he couldn't be sure that it was cancer. I have to get an MRI either next week or the week after to make sure it's not cancer.
So we still aren't sure what we are looking at. It's definitely at least stage 2, but anything more than that we do not know.
So now that the technical information has been delivered....how am I feeling? Well, it's hard to say. Not well...not horrible. I have a headache from the stress of the day, but apart from that I seem to be okay. I was an emotional wreck this afternoon, but have calmed down a fair bit since then. But I'm trying to be "strong".
Which brings me to another matter that I wanted to express my feelings on in this post. I've already told a lot of people about my condition, and there are two things that I keep hearing over and over. The first is be strong, and the second is that I have all the support I need. The second is so appreciated....I'm having a hard time, and I need your support, and I appreciate your support, and I love you because of your support. The first....well, I'm having a bit of trouble with that one.
I'm guessing that a lot of you realize by now that I'm not the most optimistic person in the world. I know, shocking. At the same time, I'm also not a person who gives up easily. A big part of the problems I've had in the past were due to my tenacious nature. Hell, it's why I didn't quit that stupid job even though most normal, non-masochists probably would have. It's why I foolishly kept going on my career track, even though it was completely wrong for me. And it's why I won't give up on life until the universe pulls it out of me.
But here is the thing, kiddies. I'm not about putting on a stiff upper lip and bravely writing inspirational pap. I'm not Mr. Positive-Everything-Is-Going-To-Be-All-Right. If I have any strength in this world, I take it from being Real.....from expressing who I am and what I feel. I've said it to you in a previous post, and I'm going to do it again now. I will no longer lie about who I am, what I feel, and what is happening to me. I think, unconsciously, a lot of people want supernatural strength and positivity from cancer victims (and survivors) because it makes it easier for them. But that sort of positivity does not do the afflicted person any good if they are positive when others are around, and then they go home and drop the act when no is around.
I won't do that. I can't do that. To be strong, I need to show you what I'm feeling, even if it makes you uncomfortable. Don't ask me to be positive when I am not feeling positive. Don't ask me to be strong when I am feeling weak. Because that takes too much energy for me...energy I will be using to fucking fight.
And here's the thing....I don't need you to be happy and positive for me either, unless it's what YOU ARE FEELING. Because when you put on a happy face that isn't real, I can feel it. And when you refuse to tell me how shitty you feel, you make me feel alone. There is this idea out there that I should only be concentrating on my own fight, and that I shouldn't have to worry about other people's problems. But doing that makes me feel worse, if only because it makes me feel that I'm the only one with problems. Focusing only on my feelings, and my health, diminishes me....because part of being Dan, the most important part of being Dan, is caring about YOU.
So talk to me. Share with me. Give me support, but let me give you support. And maybe, together, we can get through this bullshit in one piece.
I love you.
Dan.
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