A Blog about Career Changes, Madness, and My Awful Brain

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Sometimes, Being Rational is Goddamn Hard.

I'm back, and I decided I needed to make another post. The secret behind this blog has always been that I've always done it for me. I've had people request some more blog entries and updates, but until now, I just plain haven't felt like writing. In some ways, it's good that I'm not writing...I write mostly when something inside me feels broken, or when I need to get bottled up feelings out.

So much has happened since my last post. Since most of the people reading this are on my facebook page, I know most of you know whats going on. But for the people who may not, I'll describe briefly the last 3 or 4 months of my life.

I finished my four rounds of chemo in Novemember, and then at the end of that month, all of Deceember, and until the 11th of January, I went through radiation and chemo. This consisted of 6 weeks of being on a constant chemo pump of 5-Fu and getting my pelvis radiated every day. As you can imagine, this was an intensely unpleasant time in my life. During this time, I was constantly nauseous and had an extremely painful skin irritations on my butt. Imagine crapping out glass twice a day. TMI? Maybe, but if I had to go through it, might as well share it with you.

That was rough enough. On my last day Jan 11, with much elation, I wrung the "finished radiation" bell at the cancer center. I was looking forward to a period of 6 weeks I would be allowed to recover before I had to go get surgery, the next hurdle in my fight. Of course, the very next day I started getting kidney stone pain. Yep....3 stones tortured me for the next 3 or 4 weeks.

Stupid me, I thought that there was no way I could feel worse. A kidney stone is pretty much the worst pain I can imagine. Well, my surgery and subsequent stay in the hospital was worse. So much worse. If there is one thing I won't share with you, it's the details of my hospital stay. Part of the reason is that, at least this one time, I don't want to remember anymore. I don't want to have anything about that time written down for posterity. I want to forget that awful time. Suffice it to say, I have never felt so sick as I did during that time. I have never felt so goddamn awful and uncomfortable and just plain tortured as I did during that time. I still having fucking nightmares about it and I'm being completely honest when I tell you I'd rather die from cancer than go through that again. That's part of the reason I want to forget....if I have to, for whatever reason, go through it again, I want to forget enough that maybe I'll choose life again next time. No guarantees though.

So now I'm back at home, and I have a new friend. Yes, I had ileostomy surgery and I have a bag to collect my waste from a hole in my abdomen. A piece of my small intestine is cut off from the rest of my digestive system, and rerouted so that the rest of my bowel can heal properly. It's not fun, and I'm so grossed out by these things that I figure I'm one of the worst people in the world for this to happen to. But it's something I can bear with, if only just barely. Because at least it's reversible, and after I finish the chemo, I'll eventually lose the bag.

And that's my next step. It looks like I will be getting about 4 more months of chemo, every 2 weeks. So fun, fun....I get to spend almost the entire summer sick like a dog. To be completely honest, the thought fills me with despair. I think my main problem right now is that I can't be rational about the whole thing....not like my friends and family can. What happens is that you guys get the exchange.....I go through a couple more months of hardship, but at the end of it, I have a chance to live a long life. But for me....it ain't that easy. I can only see four more months of torture...of sickness....of fatigue so intense, that I feel close to death. For you, it's 4 months. For me, its 4 lifetimes.

So some quick advice for anyone dealing with me....please don't tell me it's going to be over soon. Please don't try to make me think rationally. Please don't tell me there is just one more small hurdle to go. I know that it's often hard to talk to me, and I know that you guys are trying to make me feel better. But I'm telling you that it really doesn't. I could be one chemo treatment away from being finished, and it still wouldn't. Because it just never fucking ends for me, until it ends. And even then it's not over....because there are too much fucking side effects for it to be over. And it isn't even close to over. 4 lifetimes. That's how it feels.

Sympathize with me. Empathize with me, if you are able. Share your troubles and tell me how you're doing. Cheer me up with your company, and with a funny story or two. But if you can, please don't try to get me to see my troubles through your eyes.

Right now, I'm dealing with enough seeing through my own eyes.

Love you,