A Blog about Career Changes, Madness, and My Awful Brain

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Sorry kiddies....fought as hard as I could and I'm not giving up, but I'm Dying.

It's been a long time since I posted on here, and as you are soon to find out, that is actually a good think.  Good news I want to pass around as quickly as possible, so I go on Facebook and disseminate it as quickly as I can.  Bad news takes a separate route.  First, I have to tell my family first, using the phone technology I hate so much.  Once very close family finds out,  I have to decide how to let the rest of my friends and family know what's going on.  Making a bad news post on Facebook sometimes comes out tacky and rather common. Moreover, you can't explain exactly whats going on in such a small space and are more liable to create chaos and misunderstandings.   The problem is, there are a lot of people who want to know whats going on, and I WANT them to know....I just don;t have the emotional energy to repeat bad news over and over again. Each time, it takes another sliver of happiness that is trying to hold on to my psyche with all the strength it can.

So Instead of a facebook bost, I thought I would make a blog post, and then let people decide if they want to read it or not.  It gives me a large space with which I can thoroughly and patiently share everything that I want you to know.  And kiddies....this week there is not a lot tell, but clarity is of the utmost importance.

How can I be any more clear?  Kiddies, I'm dying.  Although the last batch of chemo left me generally "sort of" stable, over the last month there has been a tiny bit of progression (ie the tumours are showing signs of growth.  My last oncologist was very bad at explaining what everything meant and what "stability" and "small progression" meant for my chance of living, or the chances of getting surgery to fight for a cure.  He was very untalkative and wasn't very good at responding to my serious questions about survival chances and the next steps if things don't work.

Well, now I have a new oncologist.  This new doctor has a lot more compassion and a great deal more patience.  He doesn't seem to screw around and answered any question I posed in a straight, easy to understand fashion.  I actually liked him pretty quick because he seemed very interested in my current health and asked a lot of questions about my personal l ife.

However, I was devastated when he suggested that because of the cancer progression, I should get back on chemo right away.  I already have a date to get the same Folfiri with Avastin next Friday on the 28th.  As bad as the news was, the worse news came when I asked him how long the chemo would give me, and how long I would need to be on it.

He told me that, by staying on chemo, I might be extending my life for about a year to a year and a half.  Without chemo, he doubted I would make it more than 8 months.

Kiddies, I am now palliative.  I'm dying. Without some miracle of other, I'm gonna be fighting to make it to my next two birthdays.

My doctor did say that the could never say for sure tat a year is all I would get.  There are so many factors involved....I could take very well to the chemo again, which might give me more time.  Maybe with the right nutritional food and more exercise, I may extend that time weeks, months.....years? 

However, things are not looking up, and I won't lie to you and pretend that their is a chance I can be cured. That verges on the impossible, and  I don't want to spend what little time I have chasing schemes that may even in the end shorten my life.

My biggest dilemma right now is whether or not to stay on chemo. Live longer with strong chemo, but have a sitty quality of life.  Not doing chemo is not much better....some months feeling great, and then back to being sick in less time. I don't know what to do.  There is always the route of enrolling in a clinical trial, but that' no quarentee you'll get more time.

I know what you want to tell me right now.  That there is still hope.  That with a good attitude and some luck, I can still make it  You want to assure me that there are people with stage 4 cancer who defy their doctors predictions and go into remission and live long, happy lives.  And I want to believe you, kiddies.  I'm  not just going to lay down and start dying.  That isn't how I want to go. I want to go with dignity, and trying to live the biggest life I can on borrowed time.  But I gotta shoot straight here kiddies....I am dying,  I often feel like I am dying. And although I hope a year survival is a low estimate, I'm not about to deny the reality of the situation.  I am a very sick men, and 94 percent of people with my sickness don't live to see five years after their diagnosis.  I've been going for two.

I love you guys.  I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you.  I hope that we can all make some time and effort to spend some time together and enjoy life.

I'm so sorry to have to giving you this news...especially in such an impersonal way.  But I no longer had the emotional strength to tell people face to face.  I did for most of my family, but I'm a very tired guy.  Tired and emotionally spent.

Love you.