A Blog about Career Changes, Madness, and My Awful Brain

Thursday, October 20, 2011

One day at a Time.

I felt the need to write today, although I'm sorry to say I don't have a specific topic in mind. So, apologies if this post seems at all disjointed or aimless.

Well, I guess I can start with a general update on how things are going with the cancer. Got chemo this week, and that was not fun. Decidedly not fun. Today I'm feeling...okay..but the Day 1 of chemo pretty much kicked my ass. I lost a banana to a red bucket, and I'm probably not going to touch another banana for weeks. Yesterday was slightly better than the first, but I don't feel quite human until I get that damn chemo bag removed from my arm. If the last time I got chemo was any indication of what I'm going to go through, I suspect that tommorow I will feel better, the net day even better, and then I'll be completely creamed for about 3 days with fatigue.

You'd think it would be better knowing what's coming, but it's not. Its so much worse, it feels like an inevitibility. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...take it a day at a time, Dan, a day at a time.

Hell, that seems like a topic I can expound on. Of all the cliches...and I do appreciate cliches if they are given with an honest heart...thats gotta be the one I hear the most. I think I trained most of you with my last posts to stop with the "only worry about yourself" crap. That is not something I can do. I mentioned to you guys that I draw strength from my concern for you...not only because it makes me feel less lonely, but because you make me want to be a stronger person. When you guys tell me I'm strong, I want to be that person. I'm not saying I drive myself to impress you....I'm way past that shit. But I want to be something more than a guy just sitting on his couch, feeling sorry for myself. Thinking about you, concerning myself with your health and your lives, helps me get out of my own cancer funks.

But as far as I can tell, and I've tried and tried and tried to be otherwise, I am not "day at a time" guy. Fuck, I wish I could be. Day at a time people just seem a whole lot happier than us focus on the future types, and us worry about tommorow types. But kiddies, that's just not in my bones. With that being said, I just had an interesting conversation with a doctor at my Pharmacy Volunteer placement (remember, I am volunteering at a care home), and she told me that there was only one common characteristic that all of the oldest people in the world share (the people who live to their late 90s and 100s). And thats the ability to accept loss and not worry so much about the future. Well, fuck.

So you day at a time people keep on me. Because I want to live a long, happy life.

Anyways, I'm out. This is a short one. I'm feeling tired, and the fiancee has Jersey Shore on the Tv. For some reason, I can't write coherently with guidos fighting on the screen.

Love ya all,

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

When the Will Power is lost.

I'm sitting here at 12:30 in the morning, and despite access to some pretty good drugs, I still can't sleep. Well, let's call tonight one of my weaning days....in order to not affect the efficacy of the medications I take, I abstain every now and then from one or two of them. Tonight I didn't think it would be a problem because I was so tired, but I've been laying awake for the last hour. Plus, I really felt like posting and when I get the bug, it's like an itch I can't scratch.

Today I wanted to talk about willpower. I've talked about it before, but I'm not sure I really understood what it was until lately. Despite all of our scientific advances and knowledge about the brain, I think even the best of us scientists often get caught up in separating ourselves into our bodies and our spirits (or souls, or whatever). We all do it.....and I think a big part of the reason we do is because we hate the thought that so much of us is biologically determined. We love the concept of free choice....even though it doesn't seem a logical result in a lot of the results we get from science (quantum mumbo jumbo nonwithstanding) or even logical when you throw a god in the equation (oh predestination...how can you have a choice when the big guy in the sky knows your fate?).

The reason I'm bringing up "the spirit" is that that's the place we usually put our willpower. You can't faulted when your muscles give out. You can't help it if your so winded you have to stop running. These things belong in the physical realm. We may be angry that we are so weak, and accept responsability that excercise would have helped, but we don't often give our psyches a beating when we reach our physical limits.

But those spiritual limitations....we find those a great deal more disconcerting, don't we kiddies?

You can't help it anymore...you need to eat that last piece of cake. "I'm such a fucking pig".

You can't muster up the will to study a couple of more hours you know you need to. "I'm so freaking lazy".

You know you need to finish that report for work but you watch TV instead. "I'm never going to get promoted because Im such a bad employeee."

I'm very much like this....I've always been proud that I had that extra little willpower that I needed to get things done. Sure, it's failed on occassion, but there was always a rationalization for it. For the most part, when something is hard and I don't want to do it, I just WILL myself to sit my ass down and just get it done.

After my little work and accident crisis, I found my will power really challenged. I knew I should be spending more time looking for work and asking for interviews, but a lot of times I just couldn't do it. On other other hand, sometimes I did. It was tough, but in the end, the will won out and I did apply for some jobs. I also applied for school.

But this week...well, I finally accepted something with my entire being that I previously only sort of believed. I finally accepted that willpower is absolutely physiological.

During my chemo, I've had a lot of pretty shitty side effects. Nausea sucks...even when it's controlled well, you can still feel it there, under the surface, ready to come out if you miss a med. I've had only slight neuropathy, though it is a bummer. The fatigue was especially bad this week, where walking three blocks feels like a marathon. But the worst thing the chemo did to me...the worst thing it took away from me, was my will power. Sapped it from me like a fucking milkshake. Even when I had the energy to do things, sometimes it was my will that gave out first.

Let me put it in perspective. I've written papers while sporting insanely high fevers. I've gone for long walks with the flu. Colds barely keep me in bed. But last night, my will power....the things that keeps me going, was absent. I. COULD. NOT. DO. ANYTHING. And for a little while, I hated myself for it. I had emails to check. I have a lab report to finish. Hell, all I needed was to text someone. I couldn't. And it messed me up. Because I thought I was different. I thought that I am a person with a strong will. I thought that I should be the exception, even in chemo, even with cancer.

I want you to ask yourself this too. Do you think you would be the exception? I think that if you ask yourself honestly, you do believe that you would be able to handle being sick with your will intact. You may see someone with cancer, or amputation, or parapalgia struggling; and though you feel empathy for their struggle, you think you could push through it better. If you don't, you're a better person than I....because I thought the will was inviolate. Transcendant.

Fuck that. It's just another part of your brain. And sometimes, it does give up on you.

But it comes back. I'm not here to depress you, kiddies. I tell ya...it comes back. Today I sent the email I had to send. I started studying for an exam that's a week away. And I'm almost ready to start my lab report.

I guess I wanted to share this subject with you for two reasons:

1)I want you to stop kicking yourself so hard when you have a lapse in will. It is physiological....it's a finite resource. Hell, eat some sugar, and try again. Your brain may just need glucose.

2) I wanted to vent my frustration on people who don't get it when I was having my bad day. I know they mean well, but sometimes telling a guy who is fatigued and has no will power that "you just need to muster up some will and maybe get outside or do something to make you feel better" is frustrating.

With all that said, I am finally starting to feel a bit better. The first 3 days of chemo were pretty crappy and made me sick, but the bad shit.....the fatigue and weird feelings...happened days later. Now, I'm in the getting better phase, right before I get my next drop of poison.

I want to thank everyone whose been going through this with me. You guys have no idea what it means to me to have your support and your messages. I'm especially touched when people send me stories or tell me about their friends who read my blog and get something out of it. Sometimes I forgot that there are more than just 5 or 6 of my friends reading it.

And please....if you know somebody who is suffering through cancer or who could benefit from reading my shitty blog, please feel free to reshare it.

Love ya.


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Chemo is death. Chemo is life.

I'm sorry I haven't given another good update in a while. A lot has happened, and I've been feeling sick, and still trying to manage all of the homework I have to do. So far, so good. However, in trying to get stuff done, I've been pretty bad at keeping everyone here updated.

Well, here is the long and short of it. I god a port surgically put into my arm, as shown in the pretty picture, last thursday. Then this Tuesday, I had my first show of chemo....a mix called FOLFOX that contains 5FLU, Leuvocorin, and Oxalipatin. I go in, sit for 3 or 4 hours while they fill me full of poison, then they attach a pump that gives me a flow of 5FLU for the next 48 hours.

This will be happening for every 2 weeks for the next 2 months. After that, I get radiation and chemo for a another 5 weeks....this is when it gets really hardcore. Because of the already sterilizing potion that is chemo, my baby makers already don't stand a chance. Now add high doses of radiation that low (rectal tumour, remember?) and my swimmers are going to all be dead or have 8 heads. I'm sure Bevin won't even want to give those little guys a chance lol.

After the radiation, I get a week or two of recovery, I think, and thats when I get the surgery. They cut the tumour out and a nice piece of the colon too. Yep, colostomy time. I am not looking forward to it. The last thing I need is two assholes. Oh well, whatever I gotta do to survive, I will do. Then after that, another 2 months of chemo.

Then after I've healed and hopefully recovered from cancer and the rest of the shit I will get, they might be able to reconnect the colon, although my doctor made it clear with it being so lows, there is not a very good chance of that happening.

So now that you know about all the specfic details, what about me? How am I doing?

Well...I'm okay. I feel sick as a dog, but better than I thought I would. The medication I'm taking helps a lot, so I dont feel too much nausea (though I still have some). I've been hiccuping like crazy, and I get weird flushing feelings.....but apart from a general sort of mailaise and fatigue, I'm not so bad. I won''t get too cocky, but I'm hoping to go to school tomoorow...if I can do that, then chemo will have lost it's round of keeping me down. Fingers crossed.

People, I'm going to take a little time right now and be comlpletely honest with. I'm taking some drugs right now that's making me sort of emotional (that's my excuse, so fuck off if you don't believe it). But I want to tell you that I honest to goodness cry when I get your messages, your letters of support, and when you tell me your remembering me. If you all even knew how much I love you then you'd cry too (or be awkward around me...whichever works for you.).

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For thinking about me. For praying for me. For sending me good vibes. For giving me hope. For helping change me into a person I can respect. If something has to come from this, let it be a closesness with all of you who have my back.

You guys inspire me with your strength.