Sorry I've gotten rather sporadic about posting lately....honestly, I haven't had many triggers lately that have urged me to go online and spew out either a rant or a story. Well, okay, there was the recent election here in Canada that had me severely disappointed with the Canadian people and made me want to lash out, but I've decided to keep this blog somewhat free of political opinions. Politic discussions tend to bring out the worst in people, and nobody ever EVER changes his/her mind, so I decided...fuck it. I've always wanted to bring people together....and how better to bring people together than to give people some great advice that will help them attract the person they love.
Well, okay...maybe not great advice. God knows I'm neither the most romantic nor the most sexy man out there. I haven't slept with hundreds of women, I've never had women knocking down doors to date me, and I've never hooked up with a stripper. I've only been in two relationships that have last more than a couple of months and I've never had a threesome.
So what makes me think my advice means anything? Well, I've been fairly successful dating with my limited looks, and despite the fact that I'm not neither cool nor charming, I've had the ability to get attractive women to consider me a romantic possibility and ....gasp....even let me see 'em naked. I haven't been turned down that many times, and even after having dated for awhile, I've usually been the one to break things off. Not always, but usually. Yep, it's usually MY fear of commitment that ruins things, and at 31, I'm neither married, nor have children, nor have a mortgage (Yep, commitment phobe across the board, but may I add that I am now engaged and desperately want to get married....no seriously.)
Now, the topic I want to discuss specifically is one that I've heard come up time and time again. I've heard the complaint come from the mouths of decent guys, nerdy guy, heart-broken guys, ugly guys and good looking guys. It may be expressed in different words, and in different ways, but it always has the same general idea..."Why do girls/women/ladies always turn down us NICE GUYS and go out with JERKS????"
Most of these Nice Guys have similar characteristics. They are usually dependable, polite, understanding, compassionate, loyal, and (in some cases) devoted. They can be funny, but usually not in a rude or mean way. When they meet a girl they like, they try to be friendly without coming on strong. Most times, they like to show a girl they respect her and will try to befriend them before asking them out. They will sometimes fixate on a girl, give her gifts, write her poetry, and otherwise try to "woo her" in understated, polite ways. Inevitably, the girl will turn them down, usually using one of the following lines:
"I just want to be friends"
"I think you're great, and will make some girl very happy some day, but I'm not looking for a relationship"
"I'm not ready for a relationship....my ex just broke my heart".
Of course, we all now what happens next, don't we? Right, she starts dating some other guy, a Jerk, someone who treats her like crap. The Jerk never calls her when he says he will, never gets her anything nice, and usually dumps her ass when he sees a hotter girl out there. Yep, that darned Jerk, he's a heartbreaker. After he's done his horrible deeds, girlfriend goes off crying to her Nice Guy friend. Does Mr. Nice Guy finally have a shot, kiddies?
Haha...fuck no. Maybe after the 10th or 11th Jerk, she might marry him out of pity, but usually the Nice Guy is shit out of luck.
Now, from what I wrote, you may make you think I have sympathy for the Nice Guy. You may think I'm rooting for him. You may think I hope he wins in the end. You would be wrong. I hate Nice Guys....I think they are pathetic, and when I see one of them in action, I want to punch him in the face. When they complain about women, or complain that they are single, I want to kick them in the brain stem. I'm very happy that I'm older, and that most of the Nice Guys I've known got their crap together enough to finally get married. But if you spend any significant time on the internet, like I have now that I'm an unemployed bum, you see them on websites and forums, shaking their ineffectual limp fists at all the girls who prefer Jerks over them. And boy their arguments drive me crazy.
If you know me and are reading this, you may be thinking to yourself...."Come on Dan...you are a nice guy. You are so full of shit, trying to portray yourself as some jerk."
But I'm not. I love my friends and family. I treat most people politely and with respect. You will never, ever catch me cheating on a girlfriend, hitting a women, or attacking someones self esteem. But I am not a Nice Guy. I'm a good guy. The reason I know the difference is that once upon a time, I WAS a Nice Guy. And boy was I full of shit.
The fact is, most Nice Guys are lying sacks of crap. The reason women prefer Jerks, is that the Jerk is also a lying sack of crap, but at least he is doesn't lie about what is important. You see, kiddies, a Jerk may lie that he will call you back. A jerk may lie that he faithful. A jerk may lie that he will help you get the abortion when he knocks you up, but at least he isn't lying about WHAT HE WANTS. But a Nice Guy....he will lie about what he wants, so he doesn't scare a girl.
If I have anything good to say about myself, is that I tend to be a good learner. I pretty much learned in my first year of University that fawning over a women, being overly nice, and being something I'm not to impress them is useless. Putting a woman on a pedestal, showering her with gifts, and doing anything in my power to not offend her was a complete turn off. Not only that, but like most Nice Guys, I somehow had an idea that women were exalted beings; they were better than me, purer than me. That also added another dimension to my complete incompetence at attracting women....I was terrified of asking them out for fear that they might think I'm some sort of perv.
Like I said, I have an advantage, in that I'm fairly good at second guessing myself (it is sometimes an advantage, thank god), and in the case of women, I pretty much knew that if I wasn't getting results with my nice guy shit, then there was probably something wrong with me, and not womankind. So I learned, and I'm ready to pass on my learnins'.
The very first thing I learned....it's going to blow your fucking mind. You ready for it? You ready to learn the secret that will change your life? Here you go....
WOMEN ARE PEOPLE.
Fucking nuts, I know. They eat, piss, and shit like the rest of us. They pick their noses. Some of them probably even eat the stuff they pick. There are smart women, dumb women, women that probably are too good for you, women that look like they are too good for you but aren't, and women that don't deserve you. Women, like you Mr. Nice Guy, are attracted to different things, and most of them make complete sense. They tend to be attracted to people who are confident, fun, a little edgy, funny, daring, interesting, opinionated, and who have nice physiques. Look at yourself and see if you have these qualities. Women, like men, also tend to ignore bad qualities if the person has the good qualities they are looking for.
That is, they are willing to put up with Jerky behaviour, if that behaviour comes along with some other attractive qualities. If you are nice, but exhibit none of the other attractive qualities, what is the point of dating you?
Some other things I've learned....I put them in list form because people love lists. I bet you some of you actually didn't read the whole article and just skipped to this. Well, go back up and get some context....then finish reading this. Here we go:
1) Nice guys are boring as shit. Be more fun.
2)It's not about being an asshole, it's about being interesting. At least assholes are entertaining, not like boring old nice guys.
3) The key to being able to attract a women, and not be a complete douche, is to treat her well (which is NOT the same thing as being a rug she walks all over or a kiss ass), but keep an edge. Some mystery. Some independence. Some interest.
4) If you are telling her how much you like her on the first date, you are doing it wrong.
5) If you are not making your intentions clear, and instead just try to "friend her until she likes you", you are doing it wrong. She knows you are after sex and/or a relationship. Might as well be clear.
6) If you do everything she asks, not matter what it is (including compromising your principles or integrity), you are doing it wrong.
7) Being a jerk is not necessary. I'll never understand why most guys take one extreme or the other. A woman should never be treated as a goddess or as a meaningless ho. She should be treated as a person. Crazy, ain't it.
8) Don't bring flowers on a first date. Also, don't bring flavored condoms. Like I said...careful with the extremes.
9)Women don't usually bite or laugh at you when you ask them out. The worst thing most of them do if you ask for numbers is say no or give you a wrong number. Don't be so afraid of rejection.
10)Go to the gym. Excercise. Eat some vegetables. You'll feel better AND be more attractive.
11)Wash your hair. Brush your teeth. I wish I didn't have to write this stuff down but some morons just don't get it. Women aren't usually attracted to greasy haired nerds with bad breath.
12)Attracting women or men isn't about not being yourself. It's about being the best you that you can be.
13) Don't fixate on one woman. Seriously, if she is your friend, but never wants to date you, then give it the fuck up. She is probably never going to date you.
14) Don't be afraid of being a bit offensive. Women like dirty jokes just as much as we do. They also like to be teased every now and then. Women can be horrible people too, and that's why they are so much fun.
15) Okay, bring the flavored condoms just in case...just keep them out of sight.
There. Now you have some advice from a moderately successful joe blow. If you have any issues with anything I've said, or want some more advice, let me know. Like I said, I'm no player or pimp, but haven't done so bad for a nerd with no job.