Wow, it's been a while.
Well, a lot has been going on in both the categories of Career Change and My Awful brain.
My biggest news is that I was accepted into a Pharmacy program. Although I was happy to be accepted, I had a lot of worries about actually going back to school. There are the typical worries that I have to deal with, chief among them being the debt I will have to go into to go through my new career. There is also the fact that I feel kind of old to go back to school, and the trepidation that comes with realizing I'll be doing tests, labs, and studying again after being away from it for some time.
Then there are the worries that are unique to my own awful mind (or maybe not so unique, who knows). In a lot of way, I have become a new person in the last year. I've endeavoured to be a lot more self aware about why I make the choices I do, and I don't want to repeat the mistakes that I've made in my past. Most of my mistakes have been caused by my false pride, by my idiotic attempts to prove my intelligence, by my laziness, and by my fear.
I really don't want to do something, and end up at the same place I am right now. So I've had a lot of angsty doubts about whether or not I should accept entry into pharmacy, or if I should take a risk and just get some job, and keep an eye out for a dream. Is it funny that I consider NOT going to school a risk, but going to school as the safe alternative?
So I did a lot of soul searching about my motives for entering pharmacy, and one by one I ruled out my concerns.
I think my fears about false pride and proving my intelligence are unfounded. I looked deep inside and I found something interesting....I don't care anymore what people think of me, or my occupation. I've already told you so much about what I'm going through, that I no longer feel any fear about what my friends and family think about me. I don't want to go into pharmacy because it makes me look smart. Not at all. I felt like crying when I realized I've been more or less freed from that burden. You can think I'm a brilliant, or you can think I'm an idiot. It's irrelevant. I'm me, and that's what counts.
My fears that I am just being lazy and going into pharmacy because it is convenient, when I really looked into it, seemed almost laughable. A lazy person does not commit to four years of difficult school because they are lazy. Is school an easier out than trying to find a job and just working? No. Is school easier than trying to find a passion in life and committing to it? I don't know. Maybe. But I've been looking for ten months, and I'm really no closer to finding what I really want to do with my life. I do know that pharmacy is a good choice in that, even if it's not a passion, it still gives me some of what I need in a job. Helping people. Providing a useful service. Giving me a fair compensation so I can do what I want outside the job. All things that my last path couldn't give me.
Despite all of my reasoning, when it came down to it, I still had problems deciding if it is what I want. I think reasoning and deliberating only ever takes you so far. In the end, you know how I made my decision?
Why the fuck not?
My biggest realization, the thing that I did not realize before my accident or before my last job or before these last couple of shitty years, is that in the end, the future doesn't really matter all that much. I've been thinking about the future so much, that I've missed out on what life really is.... a shit-load of "right nows".
I don't really care about a retirement fund, or buying a house so I'm comfy in the future, or any of the stuff most people seem to care about. I don't care, because life is what I'm living now and I have no guarantee that I'm even going to be alive in the future.
There is a choice before me. Go back to school or don't. And going back to school seems a lot more interesting and attractive than not going to school. So I'm going back to school. I WANT to go into pharmacy, so I'm going. It's exciting to finally WANT to do something. It's exciting to learn something new and it's exciting to try something different.
And if I don't like pharmacy once I leave school, so what? I'll do it for a couple of years, live on the cheap, and pay off my loans like I do know. And I'll go on to the next thing. I'll just live my life. The nice thing about my realization is that it takes a lot of my regrets and puts them in perspective. Yes, I've had a lot of bad shit happen. Yes, I've made some mistakes. But who cares...it's made me who I am.
And whereas before I did the wrong things for the wrong reasons, I like to think that now I'm doing things for the right reason, whether the "things" themselves are right or wrong.
So let's do this thing.