A Blog about Career Changes, Madness, and My Awful Brain

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Life Bookmark

So here I am, late on a Thursday night, on enough sedatives to put a horse to sleep, and I can't catch a wink. Bevin and I went to bed at the exact same time, and about 5 minutes later, she's asleep. Thank you very much Tylenol 3, Gravol and Zopiclone. They call this over sedation? Bollocks to that, I say.

Okay, I may not be asleep, but I probably have enough drugs in me that this post probably won't make too much sense. That's okay...I've said it before, kiddies...I write for me, not for you. Especially when I feel like I'm at low points in my life....and I'm pretty damn low right now. I was handling shit pretty good considering how sick I am. But last weekend, I spent two and a half days in the emergency room, and it left my system reeling. I went to the ER because of severe constipation and abdominal pain, probably from taking T3 (although only about one a day) and not enough stool softner. Well, to make a long story short I spent the weekend on a clear liquid diet, and enough laxatives to make a pornstar blush. Try it someday, and see how great your mood is a couple of days later. Also, if you know a supermodel, hug them. Seriously. Give them a hug. Their work isn't easy.

So today I didn't make it to school, and I've been more or less locked up in the house feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to try my hardest not to make it a habit, but I'm giving myself permission to feel weak today. Fuck, okay..that's not true...I feel so bad, that I'm not even able to make myself be alright with feeling bad. It's funny how you can have stage 3 cancer, no energy from a diet of laxatives and water, and living on no sleep....and can still feel guilty for being sad and unable to function.

But enough of that....I actually wanted to tell all of you about a little thing that I used to do (and still do). I think about it every now and then, but today it's been playing over and over in my head. I actually came up with a spiffy little name for it too.

Life Bookmark.

Awesome. So what is a life bookmark? Well, one day, when I was walking home from my friend Jason's house, I walked past a little park that I usually did when I walked the route (for my Regina friends....it's that shitty little park on the 900 block of MacIntosh Street). I remember this particular day in perfect deal. I remember that it was a warm day, with a pretty cool breeze. I was walking past a shopping cart that was just sitting there, with one of the front wheels bent. I remember looking at it and thinking....man, who knows where that cart has been, and how long it's been used, and now its just laying there because some kids probably decided to ride around with it in the park. Then that prompted me to think about where I'm going to end up in 10 or 20 years. What I did at that point was made a promise that I would never forget that moment....whatever happened, this moment would live on in my memories. Even the ugly broken cart. I took a snapshot in my head, and it's never left since. Life bookmark. Fuck that's awesome.

Okay, it really isn't all that sophisticated. Kind of dumb, really. But so many of the memories we carry and that we remember vividly are not not conscious. They are a product of focus and attention, and since we largely live in a state of disattention, we don't have vivid memories of...well, "nothing moments". Like looking at a broken cart almost 20 years ago. So I thought it would be cool if I occasionally made a mental snapshot, just to remember where I came from, and what I thought the future could hold. I've done it at least 10 or more times since then.

But you know what...I don't remember any of them. Not a one, except for maybe vaguely one that I made about two years ago. But that first picture....that's stuck in my head.

Anyhow, I encourage you to try it out. Life Bookmark (tm). I hope it works for you. Maybe find a broken cart first though....it seems to be the magic glue that holds things together.

Now that I introduced the idea, I want to maybe expand on it in a future post. Maybe as a spring board for some inspirational tale or wise anecdote. For now, I'm feeling too tired. These drugs may be kicking in. I hope so.

Love ya,


P.s. Forgot to add...my chemo starts on the 22nd. Can't wait. Blech.

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