Wow, I got a good piece of news today. I got the result back from my MRI and I do not have any tumours or nodes on either my liver or my lungs. So it looks like I'm dealing with Stage 3 cancer, and not Stage 4.....which is great news, because Stage 4 is basicallly game over. But now I've got a fighting chance. I'm young, I'm not in horrible health apart from the cancer.....the odds are in my favour.
So apart from being horribly fatigued, in constant discomfort from the tumour, and bloated worse than week old road kill, I'm not doing all together that bad.
I am, however, in considerable anxiety. Tomorrow I talk to my chemo and rad doctors, and I find out what my next 8 months or more will look like. Kiddies, I'm scared shitless of this chemo thing. Sleep is hard for me to do, even with drugs....thoughts, worries, fears....they plague me. A friend of mine suggested I take yoga for excercise and to calm me...I'll be looking into it. It sounds like something that might help me.
I've been trying to be regular with my school, but I haven't been as good as I should be. I made it to some classes this week, and I even made it through an 8 hour day complete with a lab class. It hasn't been easy for me, but I'm glad that I'm giving it my best. The lab was a bit of a gong show, and the results my partner and I got weren't so great. I feel especially bad sometimes because it should all be so easy for me. The lab is mickey mouse, but I get so tired and frustrated that I can't think straight and I make mistakes. The worst was a lab quiz I had to write...I'll be lucky if I pass it.
But you know, maybe this isn't such a bad thing. Maybe it's about time I learn that I don't have to be the best, and that bad marks or failure is not the end of the world. It's a lesson that I've never had to learn because school has always been easy for me (well, maybe not always easy, but always manageable). Maybe it's about time I learn that it's more important trying, then it is achieving. Maybe I need the humility that the cancer is delivering in spades.
Stupid cancer. I'll learn your lessons, but don't expect me to like it. And after this big fat lesson, you better cut me some fucking slack, because I think I've had enough lessons for a life time. The next lesson I want to learn is "What should I do with all this money". I definitely haven't learned that lesson yet.
Love you all,