A Blog about Career Changes, Madness, and My Awful Brain

Thursday, October 20, 2011

One day at a Time.

I felt the need to write today, although I'm sorry to say I don't have a specific topic in mind. So, apologies if this post seems at all disjointed or aimless.

Well, I guess I can start with a general update on how things are going with the cancer. Got chemo this week, and that was not fun. Decidedly not fun. Today I'm feeling...okay..but the Day 1 of chemo pretty much kicked my ass. I lost a banana to a red bucket, and I'm probably not going to touch another banana for weeks. Yesterday was slightly better than the first, but I don't feel quite human until I get that damn chemo bag removed from my arm. If the last time I got chemo was any indication of what I'm going to go through, I suspect that tommorow I will feel better, the net day even better, and then I'll be completely creamed for about 3 days with fatigue.

You'd think it would be better knowing what's coming, but it's not. Its so much worse, it feels like an inevitibility. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...take it a day at a time, Dan, a day at a time.

Hell, that seems like a topic I can expound on. Of all the cliches...and I do appreciate cliches if they are given with an honest heart...thats gotta be the one I hear the most. I think I trained most of you with my last posts to stop with the "only worry about yourself" crap. That is not something I can do. I mentioned to you guys that I draw strength from my concern for you...not only because it makes me feel less lonely, but because you make me want to be a stronger person. When you guys tell me I'm strong, I want to be that person. I'm not saying I drive myself to impress you....I'm way past that shit. But I want to be something more than a guy just sitting on his couch, feeling sorry for myself. Thinking about you, concerning myself with your health and your lives, helps me get out of my own cancer funks.

But as far as I can tell, and I've tried and tried and tried to be otherwise, I am not "day at a time" guy. Fuck, I wish I could be. Day at a time people just seem a whole lot happier than us focus on the future types, and us worry about tommorow types. But kiddies, that's just not in my bones. With that being said, I just had an interesting conversation with a doctor at my Pharmacy Volunteer placement (remember, I am volunteering at a care home), and she told me that there was only one common characteristic that all of the oldest people in the world share (the people who live to their late 90s and 100s). And thats the ability to accept loss and not worry so much about the future. Well, fuck.

So you day at a time people keep on me. Because I want to live a long, happy life.

Anyways, I'm out. This is a short one. I'm feeling tired, and the fiancee has Jersey Shore on the Tv. For some reason, I can't write coherently with guidos fighting on the screen.

Love ya all,

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