As some of my friends know, I've had a pretty tough couple of years. I can't lay the blame on my career, although it certainly didn't help. I started this blog with the purpose of getting out some of the feelings I've been holding in, and in the process, have given quite a bit of personal information. Not "this is my real name and address" kind of information, but real information about my life and my thoughts. Maybe the type of information most people don't share publicly. I've even gotten some feedback asking me if I'm sure I want to share this information with others.
I've thought about it, and it's why I didn't make a post yesterday. My answer? YES. Yes I do want to share myself in this way. I think a big part of the problem of our modern life is that even though we share more information about ourselves than ever, most of the "real" us stays hidden in a way that is really detrimental to our psyche. Maybe other people have close confidants, and can share of themselves in a healthy way, while putting on their fakes smiles for the rest of the world.
I can't. In a lot of ways, I'm an all or nothing sort of person. I can be fake or I can be real. There is no in-between switch for me. There never has been. I either build a fence that keeps everyone out, or I just open the gates and let everybody in on my thoughts. And you know what? I'm getting really tired of the fences. I find the process of writing extremely cathartic, and I really want to share what I write with people. I tried a journal, but I can't stick with it, because there is no feedback, no life, in that outlet.
Here's what I figure...anybody who reads what I'm writing and learns who I am and doesn't like it, can stop being my friend or reader. If they liked a person who I never was, why would I want them to stick around? If they read what I write and some of the things I've read and feel superior or inferior, why is that on me? It's not.
With that being said, let me just say that for the past three or so years I've been dealing with what I think is a low grade depression. My "depression" was nothing that I thought I needed drugs or therapy for (it didn't seem that bad). It wasn't really something that hampered my ability to do my work or enjoy my hobbies, but it was there. It mostly manifested itself as a pessimistic viewpoint that wasn't quite normal for me. I've never been a trembling with excitement pollyanna, but I was always pretty happy go lucky, albeit with an ocassional bit of anxiety. After I finished grad school (and maybe even during grad school), I started getting a little dissatisfied with my life. I was looking for a job, and wasn't having any luck, and it got me down. I worked for the next couple of years at the university, and even though I somewhat enjoyed the work and loved my bosses, I really wanted to get out of there and start my life.
And then I got my first real job. And I moved to a new city. And my mind fell apart.
A lot of you reading this know about the problems I had with my new job and new boss, but I don't think any of you realize just how bad it really was. A big part of it is because of my habit of using humour to deal with my problems; if I'm laughing on the outside, I'm probably crapping myself on the inside (I was going to say cry, but I neither cry on the outside nor inside lol). How bad where things? Well, I'll give you a quick and dirty list that in no way describes EVERYTHING I went through.
-I was called a retard several times, an idiot occasionally, and a bad worker almost daily.
-My boss's micro-managing was total: every minute was to be accounted for. If I went to the bathroom and was missing for more than 3 or 4 minutes, my boss would ask me what I was doing and insist there was work to do. If I 'acted smart' and apologized for needing to use the bathroom (which I did when it got to be too much), I was yelled at and asked why I "didn''t just do what I was asked to do".
-I was told everyday that I had accomplished nothing. Even if an experiment was sure to fail, and it wasn't my fault that it failed, I was still somehow personally responsible for failing.
-Positive feedback? What's that? There was none. Ever. Even when I would come up with a great idea, or got good results, or impressed the hell out of visiting business people, I didn't get a single "good job".
-If I left late, I would get yelled at for not getting stuff done on time. If I finished on time, I was 'trying to get out early and didn't care about my work'.
-Yelled at every day. Often, in front of other people. Sometimes I would answer questions completely honestly, and would be accused of sabotage, or being smart mouthed. Occasionally, I would have a tantrum thrown at me.
-My second day at work, she showed me a recipe I was to use to make media. I was asked to calculate the amount of buffering agent to add while she was standing watching me, without a calculator. When I hesitated, she said, (and I quote). "Look, if you can't make a buffer by now, we are both screwed.".
-My second week, she told me that if I worked a lot harder, I may someday be an average tech.
-At one point, she was so frustrated that she choked me. That did not end well for her, but I don't think I went far enough in dealing with it. At various points, as some of you know, I absolutely blew up on her, told her to go fuck herself, and quit. She would convince me to stay, then be nice to me for about a week, then go back to being her nasty self.
To deal with all this bullshit, I had to go on some heavy duty anti-depressants. I was actually ashamed of it at the time, but it was absolutely necessary. After the doses got higher and higher, I obviously suffered a little bit of "brain fog" (though it went away with time). When I told my boss about the anti-depressants being the reason I was a little more absent minded that usual, she wanted me to quit them because they made me a "crappier lab tech".
I know what you're thinking because I would be thinking it too if I were you. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU STAY AT THAT PLACE???? You know, I can't really give you an answer. I'm off the meds, feeling better, and slowly regaining my self esteem....and I really can't tell you why I stayed. At the time, I thought I had legitimate reasons: it was my first real corporate job and I didn't want to fail; my fiancee was going to school and I wanted to support her; I was in a new city and I didn't have any contacts to get me a new job; I spent close to a year trying to find this job, what luck will I have finding another?
So I stayed, and I lost my mind. I'm better now, but I still have some issues I'm working through. Although I know that science isn't my thing, and I knew it before I got this job, I always wonder what effect that job had on the feeling of anxiety and terror I get at the prospect of being stuck in a lab again.
I also wonder how well this post well be received. Will people think less of me that I allowed myself to be bullied in this way? Will people think I'm a whiner, a weakling, who can't deal with having a job? Will I get sympathy or scorn? I don't know. I hope people understand what I went through, and if any of you want to share some stories in the comments, I would love to hear from you.
As to my next post..... Well I wish the above was the worst of it, but there is more misfortune to come. What happened after I left the job....
Stay tuned kiddies for the fantastic conclusion. Same bat time, same bat channel!
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Personal. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
The Skinny
In my last post, I intimated that I would write a little bit about how I got to this point. This 'point' being how I ended up in a career that I believe is unsuited to my character, to my interests, and to my abilities.
And I have an easy answer. I'm smart and lazy.
Well, maybe not that smart. Smart people supposedly make good decisions and are able to achieve goals that matter to them. After all, can we really call a person smart if they consistently make the wrong decisions in their lives?
However, before I explain that easy answer, let's back up a little. Most of my friends (and possibly the only ones who are reading this blog) know my basic educational history. After high school, I went straight into University as a pre-med student. I found out pretty quick I didn't want to do that, so I transferred into a degree program and graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Biochemistry. The very next fall after graduating, I got into the Biology graduate program. About 3 years later, I walked out of the University with my Master's degree in Biology (with a concentration in Genetics, Phylogenetics and Evolution). Ok, I didn't actually walk out either literally or metaphorically, since I spent the next two to three years working at the University. But you get the idea.
Now it all sounds pretty good, doesn't it? From an external point of view, I may look like a very high achiever. Not only did I manage to get Federal scholarships to support me during my summers as an undergraduate student and during my entire time as a graduate student, I also published two very well received papers based on my work. But internally, these achievement mattered very little to me...every single goal I accomplished were ones I did for reasons outside of myself. Oh, they fulfilled some of the needs of my ego: I was driven by the need to BE BETTER than other people. I always had something to prove. However, I didn't really care about my accomplishments as much as I cared about what other people thought of my accomplishments. My family, my supervisors, my friends...what they thought was more important.
Which takes me back to the point I made above. I'm smart and I'm lazy. At some point in my past, someone in my life decided I was smart. It's not hard to see why, even though I deny that I am intrinsically more intelligent than your average person. When I was a kid, I liked to read. No, I loved to read. And obviously, if you love to read, it's going to help you in school, which is what we use to judge children (school or sports, you better be good at one of them). So I did well in school. And that meant I was smart. And once you internalize that, it's game over.
I'm not saying that being smart is a bad thing. I'm not even saying that some people aren't more capable than others at intellectual pursuits. What I'm saying is that being smart, to a large extent, is a skill that you can improve and is a lot more fluid than people think. Read more, learn more, and COMMIT yourself to an intellectual goal, and you too can be 'smart'. However, when you internalize 'being smart', it becomes a finite quality. It's becomes something you ARE, instead of something you work AT, and your life becomes an never ending quest to prove you HAVE it. "I am smart, and I will do things smart people do." If you really believe it, you stop challenging yourself because you don't want to be one of those dumb, mediocre people.
Of course, some of you may have been similarly labeled and resisted the trap. You may have used your smarts to do what you wanted to. Well, good for you. Fuck off, this post is about me.
So I finish high school and now I have to make the first real choice in my life. What do I do know? Well, in high school, you certainly aren't aware of all the options available to you. I wasn't anyways. So I thought about what smart people do, and I did it. I enrolled in premed. Keep in mind, I had no interest in medicine. It sounded good, it made my grandparent happy, and doggone it, dumb people just didn't become doctors (I know better now, lol).
Well, like I said above, I realized pretty quick that medicine wasn't for me. I hate body fluids (wait, no....I hate MOST body fluids, wink wink). Hell, I'm emetophobic. Look it up. Sufficed to say, I now had a decision to make. But I already had some science electives finished, so the lazy part of me didn't want to change into another program. Besides, science is something smart people do. I am smart. I will do science. After all, what are my alternatives? Business? IDIOTS. Arts? MORONS. Fine arts? GREAT PLACE FOR THE MORONS AND IDIOTS THAT COULDN'T HACK IT IN ARTS AND BUSINESS.
Alright, don't get too pissy. I don't think those were the exact thoughts running through my head. Maybe more like unconscious feelings. Besides, by that time, I had gotten to know some people in science and, doggone it, I had to prove I was as smart or smarter than they were. It didn't matter that I disliked most of my science classes. It didn't matter that I put off reading my bio textbooks so I could spend extra time on reading social theory. It didn't matter that I couldn't wait for my sociology, philosophy, and anthropology classes, because I loved discussing topics with my teachers and writing essays. I was smart. I was in science. Science is where smart people go.
Grad school? More of the same. I got the opportunity to do my graduate studies, and I did it because I was too lazy to look for an alternative and I'm smart. Smart people go to graduate school. I'm smart. I'm going to graduate school.
My master's subject was a bit different in that I actually sort of liked my research. There was molecular biology involved, sure, but the topic was grand. Evolution, Astronomy, and Geology have always been interests of mine, simply because of their grand nature. I'm not a detail person. I could care less about what some molecule or enzyme does. Screw that. But give me a grand purpose, and it's bees to honey. It didn't hurt that my supervisor was one of the greatest guys I know, and working with him was an absolute pleasure. Still, I sure didn't feel like I fit in with other grad students, especially at conferences. Every conference I went to, I much preferred speaking to the spouses of the scientists, because they also seemed as tired of listening to science research talk as I was. At one conference, I spend about 2 hours talking a political science professor about her opinions on American foreign policy, while generally avoiding her husband who was one of the leading researches in my field. I felt uncomfortable among science types, because...well...they always wanted to talk about science.
So that's the short and skinny of it. Here I am now. Do I regret my life so far? Well, it isn't that simple. The truth is, I've met so many awesome people that I wouldn't have if I had made other choices, including the love of my life. I don't regret the knowledge I've gained either. I can't say I didn't enjoy some of my science classes. Some of the things I learned were pretty damn neat, and I've had great experiences in my lab classes. I love science, just not in that 'career' way. But there are always regrets....
In future posts I will talk about my work outside of the university, and how it cemented my need to get out of science. I also want to talk about how and why my perspectives on being 'smart' have changed so much. I'm not the same person I was five years ago. Hell, I don't even think I'm the same person I was two years ago. I've let go of every phony aspect of myself (have I?), and I aim to be as authentic and true to myself as I can be (am I?). I also hope I don't give the impression I used to be shallow. I don't think I am or was.
One more point before I go. I fully expect this post to be full of syntax, punctuation, and grammar errors. I don't care. I didn't proof read this at all. So don't complain if you find mistakes. In fact, kindly fuck off and stop reading it if it bothers you so much.
Buh bye.
Dan Evoman
And I have an easy answer. I'm smart and lazy.
Well, maybe not that smart. Smart people supposedly make good decisions and are able to achieve goals that matter to them. After all, can we really call a person smart if they consistently make the wrong decisions in their lives?
However, before I explain that easy answer, let's back up a little. Most of my friends (and possibly the only ones who are reading this blog) know my basic educational history. After high school, I went straight into University as a pre-med student. I found out pretty quick I didn't want to do that, so I transferred into a degree program and graduated with a Bachelor's degree in Biochemistry. The very next fall after graduating, I got into the Biology graduate program. About 3 years later, I walked out of the University with my Master's degree in Biology (with a concentration in Genetics, Phylogenetics and Evolution). Ok, I didn't actually walk out either literally or metaphorically, since I spent the next two to three years working at the University. But you get the idea.
Now it all sounds pretty good, doesn't it? From an external point of view, I may look like a very high achiever. Not only did I manage to get Federal scholarships to support me during my summers as an undergraduate student and during my entire time as a graduate student, I also published two very well received papers based on my work. But internally, these achievement mattered very little to me...every single goal I accomplished were ones I did for reasons outside of myself. Oh, they fulfilled some of the needs of my ego: I was driven by the need to BE BETTER than other people. I always had something to prove. However, I didn't really care about my accomplishments as much as I cared about what other people thought of my accomplishments. My family, my supervisors, my friends...what they thought was more important.
Which takes me back to the point I made above. I'm smart and I'm lazy. At some point in my past, someone in my life decided I was smart. It's not hard to see why, even though I deny that I am intrinsically more intelligent than your average person. When I was a kid, I liked to read. No, I loved to read. And obviously, if you love to read, it's going to help you in school, which is what we use to judge children (school or sports, you better be good at one of them). So I did well in school. And that meant I was smart. And once you internalize that, it's game over.
I'm not saying that being smart is a bad thing. I'm not even saying that some people aren't more capable than others at intellectual pursuits. What I'm saying is that being smart, to a large extent, is a skill that you can improve and is a lot more fluid than people think. Read more, learn more, and COMMIT yourself to an intellectual goal, and you too can be 'smart'. However, when you internalize 'being smart', it becomes a finite quality. It's becomes something you ARE, instead of something you work AT, and your life becomes an never ending quest to prove you HAVE it. "I am smart, and I will do things smart people do." If you really believe it, you stop challenging yourself because you don't want to be one of those dumb, mediocre people.
Of course, some of you may have been similarly labeled and resisted the trap. You may have used your smarts to do what you wanted to. Well, good for you. Fuck off, this post is about me.
So I finish high school and now I have to make the first real choice in my life. What do I do know? Well, in high school, you certainly aren't aware of all the options available to you. I wasn't anyways. So I thought about what smart people do, and I did it. I enrolled in premed. Keep in mind, I had no interest in medicine. It sounded good, it made my grandparent happy, and doggone it, dumb people just didn't become doctors (I know better now, lol).
Well, like I said above, I realized pretty quick that medicine wasn't for me. I hate body fluids (wait, no....I hate MOST body fluids, wink wink). Hell, I'm emetophobic. Look it up. Sufficed to say, I now had a decision to make. But I already had some science electives finished, so the lazy part of me didn't want to change into another program. Besides, science is something smart people do. I am smart. I will do science. After all, what are my alternatives? Business? IDIOTS. Arts? MORONS. Fine arts? GREAT PLACE FOR THE MORONS AND IDIOTS THAT COULDN'T HACK IT IN ARTS AND BUSINESS.
Alright, don't get too pissy. I don't think those were the exact thoughts running through my head. Maybe more like unconscious feelings. Besides, by that time, I had gotten to know some people in science and, doggone it, I had to prove I was as smart or smarter than they were. It didn't matter that I disliked most of my science classes. It didn't matter that I put off reading my bio textbooks so I could spend extra time on reading social theory. It didn't matter that I couldn't wait for my sociology, philosophy, and anthropology classes, because I loved discussing topics with my teachers and writing essays. I was smart. I was in science. Science is where smart people go.
Grad school? More of the same. I got the opportunity to do my graduate studies, and I did it because I was too lazy to look for an alternative and I'm smart. Smart people go to graduate school. I'm smart. I'm going to graduate school.
My master's subject was a bit different in that I actually sort of liked my research. There was molecular biology involved, sure, but the topic was grand. Evolution, Astronomy, and Geology have always been interests of mine, simply because of their grand nature. I'm not a detail person. I could care less about what some molecule or enzyme does. Screw that. But give me a grand purpose, and it's bees to honey. It didn't hurt that my supervisor was one of the greatest guys I know, and working with him was an absolute pleasure. Still, I sure didn't feel like I fit in with other grad students, especially at conferences. Every conference I went to, I much preferred speaking to the spouses of the scientists, because they also seemed as tired of listening to science research talk as I was. At one conference, I spend about 2 hours talking a political science professor about her opinions on American foreign policy, while generally avoiding her husband who was one of the leading researches in my field. I felt uncomfortable among science types, because...well...they always wanted to talk about science.
So that's the short and skinny of it. Here I am now. Do I regret my life so far? Well, it isn't that simple. The truth is, I've met so many awesome people that I wouldn't have if I had made other choices, including the love of my life. I don't regret the knowledge I've gained either. I can't say I didn't enjoy some of my science classes. Some of the things I learned were pretty damn neat, and I've had great experiences in my lab classes. I love science, just not in that 'career' way. But there are always regrets....
In future posts I will talk about my work outside of the university, and how it cemented my need to get out of science. I also want to talk about how and why my perspectives on being 'smart' have changed so much. I'm not the same person I was five years ago. Hell, I don't even think I'm the same person I was two years ago. I've let go of every phony aspect of myself (have I?), and I aim to be as authentic and true to myself as I can be (am I?). I also hope I don't give the impression I used to be shallow. I don't think I am or was.
One more point before I go. I fully expect this post to be full of syntax, punctuation, and grammar errors. I don't care. I didn't proof read this at all. So don't complain if you find mistakes. In fact, kindly fuck off and stop reading it if it bothers you so much.
Buh bye.
Dan Evoman
Thursday, March 17, 2011
The Beginning
So, I've finally decided to start my own blog. I may even post in it.
I've always resisted adapting to technology. Not that I don't like gadgets or the internet, but I've always been wary of using new tools, like the internet, to express myself. Hell, I haven't even completely mastered the use of the old tools, like writing and talking, to express myself. I just got my first cell phone two years ago (and still have the same cellphone), and I still hate to use that thing.
But then I jumped on the Facebook bandwagon and realized that, hey, I actually like this. It lasted all of 5 days, of course; Facebook then changed something arbitrary and unimportant, and I hated it. Two day after that, I got used to the change, and liked it again. This cycle would go on to repeat itself numerous times. The point is, though, that I actually started enjoying communicating with people, writing jokes, and saying outlandish things without the burden of disapproving faces when I took it a step to far.
The next step, naturally,would be to add my voice to the mediocre chorus of pasty internet nerds, bored housewives, business jack asses, and self-help gurus. I'm going to elbow my way amongst the elite of the internet, with their 5 views a month and 2 person subscriber lists.
But before I begin, I need a catch. A hook. Hell, I need a point. What makes me different? There are a list of things: I'm a disaffected employee in the sciences, I'm going through a career change, I'm overcoming some workplace and outside of workplace psychological trauma. I also make a mean spaghetti sauce. In the end, I think I am going to focus on "Finding a New Career and Everything Involved in a Search For a New life". That way, I may be able to use this blog to get help from other people undergoing similar changes. Maybe I can learn something and teach others. Eventually, I may give out my spaghetti sauce recipe.
If it turns out in the end that I just use this blog to rant to an empty audience....well, that's okay too.
My next post is going to describe my professional life as a science tech and some of my thoughts on why things didn't really work out for me in the field. Stay tuned.
I've always resisted adapting to technology. Not that I don't like gadgets or the internet, but I've always been wary of using new tools, like the internet, to express myself. Hell, I haven't even completely mastered the use of the old tools, like writing and talking, to express myself. I just got my first cell phone two years ago (and still have the same cellphone), and I still hate to use that thing.
But then I jumped on the Facebook bandwagon and realized that, hey, I actually like this. It lasted all of 5 days, of course; Facebook then changed something arbitrary and unimportant, and I hated it. Two day after that, I got used to the change, and liked it again. This cycle would go on to repeat itself numerous times. The point is, though, that I actually started enjoying communicating with people, writing jokes, and saying outlandish things without the burden of disapproving faces when I took it a step to far.
The next step, naturally,would be to add my voice to the mediocre chorus of pasty internet nerds, bored housewives, business jack asses, and self-help gurus. I'm going to elbow my way amongst the elite of the internet, with their 5 views a month and 2 person subscriber lists.
But before I begin, I need a catch. A hook. Hell, I need a point. What makes me different? There are a list of things: I'm a disaffected employee in the sciences, I'm going through a career change, I'm overcoming some workplace and outside of workplace psychological trauma. I also make a mean spaghetti sauce. In the end, I think I am going to focus on "Finding a New Career and Everything Involved in a Search For a New life". That way, I may be able to use this blog to get help from other people undergoing similar changes. Maybe I can learn something and teach others. Eventually, I may give out my spaghetti sauce recipe.
If it turns out in the end that I just use this blog to rant to an empty audience....well, that's okay too.
My next post is going to describe my professional life as a science tech and some of my thoughts on why things didn't really work out for me in the field. Stay tuned.
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